Stop wanting for the unattainable

 

Nothing is real!

Photos I took on my 5 km walk yesterday

What is it that pulls my heart towards the unattainable things in life? 

I Don’t Wanna Be a Beautiful Sexy Woman, I’m SAD :-(

 All my adult life I’ve vacillated between between caring what people think of my appearance and not caring at all. I’m in a not caring at all phase right now. I’ll dress like a jake if I want to, and I don’t care! Does anyone else’s family say “you look like a jake” to mean you look bad/are dressed poorly? I’ve never heard it from anyone else except my mom and her family. Sorry to all the Jakes out there, but in my mind it’ll always be someone that doesn’t look put together. It must be highly specific to the little area they’re from.

I am on a plant-based ketogenic diet at the moment and successfully losing weight, but I didn’t really need to lose any weight - it’s just a side effect of my current eating habits. Typically, I am following a lacto-ovo vegetarian diet…I cut out that stuff for now as I try to figure out what triggers inflammation and whatnot…

When I look back at my old photos from a few year ago, it’s like looking at an alien or a stranger. I haven’t aged dramatically because I am still in my 20s and have been a fanatic for sun protection since I was 16. But, I no longer wear heavy makeup. And I feel better for it. I tried wearing a BB cream a few days ago and felt like my face is suffocating.

Well, nothing about this post is really coherent. That’s ok. I’m grieving my old life and pondering how everything just flew by. I don’t think the door to living here will be forever shut, I just won’t be back for a long time. I feel like a foreigner in America, but I’m forever a foreigner here too. Not that I think I’m so special or different from anyone else, but when you’ve been living away from your homeland since you were a teenager, it IS a shock to go back to living there full time again. I’m not back in the states yet…but, I will be soon. I just hope I can get things together quickly and stop crying. GET YOUR SH*T TOGETHER! I say to myself. I’ve seen amazing stuff. Been to interesting places. Achieved a few things. So, no need to cry. 

Fragments of the past

 

Time Capsule

This blog started as my little personal place to VERY sporadically rant from time to time about whatever random stuff was going on with me, or post photos of my occasional travels. I think for me the appeal of this platform is that no one goes on here. I’m posting publicly and basically no one sees it, but at the same time, there’s always the off chance someone might stumble on it and I just don’t even care who might read my inane thoughts. Does that even make sense? I don’t care, LOL! Scream, scream into the void. I started posting here shortly after I first moved to Estonia, back I was still a teenager. Oh, where does the time go. And now that I’m leaving soon, back to America after so many years, I felt like I should revisit it. Looking back, I really wrote some really silly stuff here. Not unlike this post. Yet, I’m glad I have this Time Capsule. Though, I did delete some things…a lot of things. 

A rose I saw lying in the snow this past winter. I saw it and I thought to myself, that’s too perfect.

I knew that eventually I’ll leave here. Oh well. Onwards to the next thing. 

I Love You, Stranger Cat

 I see this kitty a lot lately on my morning walking route. He has a collar on and belongs to someone in the apartments near this spot, so he’s social and friendly. He comes up to me and is so sweet! I Love You, Stranger Cat. Thank You for brightening my days recently.

Blah

I finished reading Sister Carrie yesterday night. It was tedious at times, but overall, very good. I couldn't help but feel sorry for Hurstwood by the end of it, even if he was an unlikeable character (no one in this book is likeable). That was definitely one of the most striking downfalls I've ever read before. I thought about watching the 1952 film adaptation but I read it isn't true to the story so...no thanks. You can't leave out THAT ending, although it's obvious why they did, being the 1950s and all. I already downloaded An American Tragedy, also by Dreiser, so I'll probably read that next, if I don't start something else first.

Conquering the inbox

Today I got over myself and wrote a stupid email that should have been written days ago. I should feel better, but I don't, since I still have to wait for a reply, which is as anxiety-inducing as the process of actually writing it was. Then when the response arrives, I'll even procrastinate about opening it and READING it! Yay, my nerves are so bad!

Before all this started I had planned on starting to run again soon. My area is great for that. Near my place is a long, wide sidewalk which leads to another big stretch of sidewalk near a forested area which is usually pretty empty. When I get upset over something (which is all the time) I usually go for long night walks there, even during winter. It actually doesn't really calm me down that much if I'm super upset, but it's better than sitting and stewing. Of course, I'm not doing that now. Probably it'd be fine but who knows.

I'm randomly craving chanterelles. You can make a really yummy sauce with them. I'm not a huge mushroom person but I love chanterelles. That's something to look forward to in the summer.

Isolation Day 18

I really needed to do chores today and I didn't. I'm the kind of person that keeps their living space VERY neat and tidy because I find it difficult to be productive at home if I'm surrounded by a mess or things aren't in their place. It just gnaws at me in the back of my head until I do something about it because I can't focus when things aren't "right." Then I usually go on a cleaning and organising spree. Being at home 24-7 though, cleaning often has somehow become more difficult. You would think that in between the few other things I have to do here, I have plenty of time to clean, right? And you would be right. Yet the past few days I just don't feel like it.

I have been lying on the couch listening to Merzbow. Specifically his album Merzbuddha. It's not as harsh as people usually expect from him, and sounds great on headphones. I am a long time fan and I also attribute my becoming vegetarian to him (I have not yet become fully vegan, I'm a work in progress). Below, one of my favourite shirts, and what I'm wearing today:

Don't Kill Dolphins! This isn't my only Merzbow shirt. Pic is old, my hair is longer now