I Don’t Wanna Be a Beautiful Sexy Woman, I’m SAD :-(

 All my adult life I’ve vacillated between between caring what people think of my appearance and not caring at all. I’m in a not caring at all phase right now. I’ll dress like a jake if I want to, and I don’t care! Does anyone else’s family say “you look like a jake” to mean you look bad/are dressed poorly? I’ve never heard it from anyone else except my mom and her family. Sorry to all the Jakes out there, but in my mind it’ll always be someone that doesn’t look put together. It must be highly specific to the little area they’re from.

I am on a plant-based ketogenic diet at the moment and successfully losing weight, but I didn’t really need to lose any weight - it’s just a side effect of my current eating habits. Typically, I am following a lacto-ovo vegetarian diet…I cut out that stuff for now as I try to figure out what triggers inflammation and whatnot…

When I look back at my old photos from a few year ago, it’s like looking at an alien or a stranger. I haven’t aged dramatically because I am still in my 20s and have been a fanatic for sun protection since I was 16. But, I no longer wear heavy makeup. And I feel better for it. I tried wearing a BB cream a few days ago and felt like my face is suffocating.

Well, nothing about this post is really coherent. That’s ok. I’m grieving my old life and pondering how everything just flew by. I don’t think the door to living here will be forever shut, I just won’t be back for a long time. I feel like a foreigner in America, but I’m forever a foreigner here too. Not that I think I’m so special or different from anyone else, but when you’ve been living away from your homeland since you were a teenager, it IS a shock to go back to living there full time again. I’m not back in the states yet…but, I will be soon. I just hope I can get things together quickly and stop crying. GET YOUR SH*T TOGETHER! I say to myself. I’ve seen amazing stuff. Been to interesting places. Achieved a few things. So, no need to cry. 

Isolation Day 18

I really needed to do chores today and I didn't. I'm the kind of person that keeps their living space VERY neat and tidy because I find it difficult to be productive at home if I'm surrounded by a mess or things aren't in their place. It just gnaws at me in the back of my head until I do something about it because I can't focus when things aren't "right." Then I usually go on a cleaning and organising spree. Being at home 24-7 though, cleaning often has somehow become more difficult. You would think that in between the few other things I have to do here, I have plenty of time to clean, right? And you would be right. Yet the past few days I just don't feel like it.

I have been lying on the couch listening to Merzbow. Specifically his album Merzbuddha. It's not as harsh as people usually expect from him, and sounds great on headphones. I am a long time fan and I also attribute my becoming vegetarian to him (I have not yet become fully vegan, I'm a work in progress). Below, one of my favourite shirts, and what I'm wearing today:

Don't Kill Dolphins! This isn't my only Merzbow shirt. Pic is old, my hair is longer now

Back to blogging

I deleted my old blog account because it represents a time which I'd like to forget. I'm not gonna regain the few followers I had, but that's fine, this is a dead platform and I use it mainly for me and no one else.

I guess I would like to record how I was backstabbed by two friends in January - two friends, who, before this, I considered precious to me. Let's just say everything went fucking nuclear between the three of us. I think it’s my stubborn Taurean nature combined with my Scorpio moon that lends my personality a vindictive streak that can be hard to overcome, so I don't know when I'll stop being pissed.

Sometimes I feel like my life has been nothing but multiple episodes of being f*cked over by people I trusted and went out of my way for, and I guess my mom was right that I'm naive, that I’m too trusting and too nice. That I'm a doormat who invites these things. I used to get upset when she said those things, because I felt like she was being needlessly harsh and because I wanted to see good in everyone. Well, I was dumb. I’m 20, of course I’m dumb. 

I definitely grieved this year. We had great times as friends together and those memories are forever tarnished. I'm past that part though. Now I'm just angry. It's September and can I go more than a few days without thinking about it? No. It's fucked me up, let's put it that way. 

On another note, I moved and there’s another disturbed babushka downstairs. She blows a gasket when she hears water running in other apartments so when I turn on the sink I hear her yelling "THE WAAAAATER IS RUNNING, THE WATER IS RUNNING!" in Russian. I’d write that in Russian if I could, I’m just telling you what my Russian friend told me she’s saying. The last flat also had an old paranoid granny who stood in the hall for hours ranting and left obscenely written posters detailing her paranoia of 'poison electricity', 'poison water pipes' and accusing people of breaking, entering and stealing her documents. I actually have pictures of her posters on my old phone. Of course, I understand they more than likely have dementia or something at their age. I feel bad for them as they are alone.