Time Capsule

This blog started as my little personal place to VERY sporadically rant from time to time about whatever random stuff was going on with me, or post photos of my occasional travels. I think for me the appeal of this platform is that no one goes on here. I’m posting publicly and basically no one sees it, but at the same time, there’s always the off chance someone might stumble on it and I just don’t even care who might read my inane thoughts. Does that even make sense? I don’t care, LOL! Scream, scream into the void. I started posting here shortly after I first moved to Estonia, back I was still a teenager. Oh, where does the time go. And now that I’m leaving soon, back to America after so many years, I felt like I should revisit it. Looking back, I really wrote some really silly stuff here. Not unlike this post. Yet, I’m glad I have this Time Capsule. Though, I did delete some things…a lot of things. 

A rose I saw lying in the snow this past winter. I saw it and I thought to myself, that’s too perfect.

I knew that eventually I’ll leave here. Oh well. Onwards to the next thing. 

I Love You, Stranger Cat

 I see this kitty a lot lately on my morning walking route. He has a collar on and belongs to someone in the apartments near this spot, so he’s social and friendly. He comes up to me and is so sweet! I Love You, Stranger Cat. Thank You for brightening my days recently.

Blah

I finished reading Sister Carrie yesterday night. It was tedious at times, but overall, very good. I couldn't help but feel sorry for Hurstwood by the end of it, even if he was an unlikeable character (no one in this book is likeable). That was definitely one of the most striking downfalls I've ever read before. I thought about watching the 1952 film adaptation but I read it isn't true to the story so...no thanks. You can't leave out THAT ending, although it's obvious why they did, being the 1950s and all. I already downloaded An American Tragedy, also by Dreiser, so I'll probably read that next, if I don't start something else first.

Conquering the inbox

Today I got over myself and wrote a stupid email that should have been written days ago. I should feel better, but I don't, since I still have to wait for a reply, which is as anxiety-inducing as the process of actually writing it was. Then when the response arrives, I'll even procrastinate about opening it and READING it! Yay, my nerves are so bad!

Before all this started I had planned on starting to run again soon. My area is great for that. Near my place is a long, wide sidewalk which leads to another big stretch of sidewalk near a forested area which is usually pretty empty. When I get upset over something (which is all the time) I usually go for long night walks there, even during winter. It actually doesn't really calm me down that much if I'm super upset, but it's better than sitting and stewing. Of course, I'm not doing that now. Probably it'd be fine but who knows.

I'm randomly craving chanterelles. You can make a really yummy sauce with them. I'm not a huge mushroom person but I love chanterelles. That's something to look forward to in the summer.

Isolation Day 18

I really needed to do chores today and I didn't. I'm the kind of person that keeps their living space VERY neat and tidy because I find it difficult to be productive at home if I'm surrounded by a mess or things aren't in their place. It just gnaws at me in the back of my head until I do something about it because I can't focus when things aren't "right." Then I usually go on a cleaning and organising spree. Being at home 24-7 though, cleaning often has somehow become more difficult. You would think that in between the few other things I have to do here, I have plenty of time to clean, right? And you would be right. Yet the past few days I just don't feel like it.

I have been lying on the couch listening to Merzbow. Specifically his album Merzbuddha. It's not as harsh as people usually expect from him, and sounds great on headphones. I am a long time fan and I also attribute my becoming vegetarian to him (I have not yet become fully vegan, I'm a work in progress). Below, one of my favourite shirts, and what I'm wearing today:

Don't Kill Dolphins! This isn't my only Merzbow shirt. Pic is old, my hair is longer now

Isolation Day 13

Oh yeah, I have a neighbour who is making me lose my shit...and here's why. They're listening to music today and yesterday obnoxiously loud. OMG, they turned on that fucking La Bamba song at one point. I just always irrationally hated that song. Depending on who you ask, my hatred could be seen as totally rational. (Another song I always found weirdly unsettling is Freefalling. Sorry.)

At least it's not constant, but from time to time. This is a modern building and normally I don't ever have an issue with hearing my neighbours, not like when I lived in the Soviet-era places and could hear every footstep, every intimate moment of anyone above, below or next to me. Really, usually I never hear anything. I get it though. They are bored.

I guess I'm fortunate in that staying inside for prolonged periods of time has never bothered me. I do miss getting lunch at that Japanese restaurant near the train station. What I don't miss? I don't miss the smelly rude people of public transport.

Isolation and random thoughts

I figured now is as good a time as any to start recording my thoughts again. I just started using my old tumblr again, however I prefer blogger for long rambling posts and getting my thoughts out. Plus, here, you're not going to get reblogged and bitched at. This is basically a dead platform and a great place to just get it all out. I blocked so many people on tumblr. also changed my username because of past negativity. I've relegated it to being simply a collection of images I like. For now, I doubt I'll try to interact/participate on there with any fandoms. My real friends stopped using it years ago also. I guess I'm too sensitive.

I made a big batch of Japanese style curry last night with zucchini, carrot, potatoes and sweet potatoes, so that's lunch+dinner for at least 5 days. I remember the first time I ever attempted it ages ago, I screwed up the roux, but it's actually the easiest thing and something I make all the time already. Butter, flour, stir until toasty brown. Toss in the spices and flavours you like. 10/10. I could have paired it with rice, but I already have two types of potatoes, so what do I need even more extra carbs for? Especially when I'm not walking 3-4 km a day like I usually do. However, I'm trying to make up for that with pilates, which I used to do pretty often anyway.

Most people in my building are also staying at home and I hardly ever hear a door open in the hallway. The parking lot is full. In between chores and whatnot, I have also been using my free time to read some books, play the Sims 4 (they had a conveniently timed sale on the origin store so I got a few packs I wanted before) and write. I also wanna revisit some classic Fire Emblem: specifically 7 and 8. Those are my favourites and would provide a much needed dose of nostalgia. I need to download an emulator though.

If anything all this has reaffirmed my desire to live in the countryside and try to carve out a sustainable life for myself. I wasn't born a city dweller. I spent my childhood between a small town and later full blown rural living without a neighbour in sight. Eventually I’ll return to that.

Oh well, I can't do anything about that right now, so I'm just gonna to watch a movie.

Rammstein at Tallinn Lauluväljak, June 11 2017

(Note: this is a backdated post from my other blog which no longer exists, that I decided to preserve by reposting here - after all this is my place to talk into the void about my dumb life!)

June 11, 2017. I had such an amazing experience. This concert was something I dreamed of since 10 years ago, a real show of artistry, great musicianship and theatre. Although I kinda feel like in some regards I’ve outgrown Rammstein, it really was a dream come true to see them in real life, especially for my inner adolescent, lol. They were my first foray into music that wasn’t top 40 starting in middle school and actually what led me down the rabbit hole into discovering industrial music, which in turn led me to finding all kinds of experimental and avant garde stuff and other things I don’t think I would have found. I could say developing my taste all started with them, lol!

Had I not left for a bathroom break, I would have kept a spot right at the very front on the fence (I did pay extra to be in this zone of the audience and I came early to secure my spot), but I still was super close and yes I felt the heat.

I went home feeling like I was walking on a cloud. I’ve never experienced that from watching a performance before. I’m also happy to say the people around me were nice and I never once got stomped, shoved or pushed - since this was the first show of this sort that I’ve ever attended, I was really scared. I’m not a concert person to begin with, especially because I have tinnitus since 2012 because of a loud event I attended then. I wore earplugs - it didn’t dull the experience at all, but rather made things a bearable volume and kept my hearing safe. Always wear ear plugs at a concert! 

Photos of my amazing experience :-) Of course, I tried not to spend too much time snapping pictures, but when faced with such a spectacle, who doesn’t want a few to remember it by.

You don’t know for how long I’ve admired Flake’s disco ball suit and wanted one of my own. lol

The end of a great show

This is the kind of unique experience I’ll remember forever :-) Thank you for a nice temporary escape from reality, guys. Life is short. These are the fun moments that make you forget how futile everything is.

Bonus: I spotted myself on the news! LOL. I cropped myself out of the crowd pic I found. Yea…I don’t look great and I need a haircut and I think my thyroid needs checked but I kinda like this pic of me nonetheless ;P