Mishearing things can create interesting ideas

Various self portraits from over the years that I edited today

Stop wanting for the unattainable

 

Nothing is real!

Photos I took on my 5 km walk yesterday

What is it that pulls my heart towards the unattainable things in life? 

I Don’t Wanna Be a Beautiful Sexy Woman, I’m SAD :-(

 All my adult life I’ve vacillated between between caring what people think of my appearance and not caring at all. I’m in a not caring at all phase right now. I’ll dress like a jake if I want to, and I don’t care! Does anyone else’s family say “you look like a jake” to mean you look bad/are dressed poorly? I’ve never heard it from anyone else except my mom and her family. Sorry to all the Jakes out there, but in my mind it’ll always be someone that doesn’t look put together. It must be highly specific to the little area they’re from.

I am on a plant-based ketogenic diet at the moment and successfully losing weight, but I didn’t really need to lose any weight - it’s just a side effect of my current eating habits. Typically, I am following a lacto-ovo vegetarian diet…I cut out that stuff for now as I try to figure out what triggers inflammation and whatnot…

When I look back at my old photos from a few year ago, it’s like looking at an alien or a stranger. I haven’t aged dramatically because I am still in my 20s and have been a fanatic for sun protection since I was 16. But, I no longer wear heavy makeup. And I feel better for it. I tried wearing a BB cream a few days ago and felt like my face is suffocating.

Well, nothing about this post is really coherent. That’s ok. I’m grieving my old life and pondering how everything just flew by. I don’t think the door to living here will be forever shut, I just won’t be back for a long time. I feel like a foreigner in America, but I’m forever a foreigner here too. Not that I think I’m so special or different from anyone else, but when you’ve been living away from your homeland since you were a teenager, it IS a shock to go back to living there full time again. I’m not back in the states yet…but, I will be soon. I just hope I can get things together quickly and stop crying. GET YOUR SH*T TOGETHER! I say to myself. I’ve seen amazing stuff. Been to interesting places. Achieved a few things. So, no need to cry. 

Fragments of the past

 

Time Capsule

This blog started as my little personal place to VERY sporadically rant from time to time about whatever random stuff was going on with me, or post photos of my occasional travels. I think for me the appeal of this platform is that no one goes on here. I’m posting publicly and basically no one sees it, but at the same time, there’s always the off chance someone might stumble on it and I just don’t even care who might read my inane thoughts. Does that even make sense? I don’t care, LOL! Scream, scream into the void. I started posting here shortly after I first moved to Estonia, back I was still a teenager. Oh, where does the time go. And now that I’m leaving soon, back to America after so many years, I felt like I should revisit it. Looking back, I really wrote some really silly stuff here. Not unlike this post. Yet, I’m glad I have this Time Capsule. Though, I did delete some things…a lot of things. 

A rose I saw lying in the snow this past winter. I saw it and I thought to myself, that’s too perfect.

I knew that eventually I’ll leave here. Oh well. Onwards to the next thing. 

I Love You, Stranger Cat

 I see this kitty a lot lately on my morning walking route. He has a collar on and belongs to someone in the apartments near this spot, so he’s social and friendly. He comes up to me and is so sweet! I Love You, Stranger Cat. Thank You for brightening my days recently.

Blah

I finished reading Sister Carrie yesterday night. It was tedious at times, but overall, very good. I couldn't help but feel sorry for Hurstwood by the end of it, even if he was an unlikeable character (no one in this book is likeable). That was definitely one of the most striking downfalls I've ever read before. I thought about watching the 1952 film adaptation but I read it isn't true to the story so...no thanks. You can't leave out THAT ending, although it's obvious why they did, being the 1950s and all. I already downloaded An American Tragedy, also by Dreiser, so I'll probably read that next, if I don't start something else first.

Conquering the inbox

Today I got over myself and wrote a stupid email that should have been written days ago. I should feel better, but I don't, since I still have to wait for a reply, which is as anxiety-inducing as the process of actually writing it was. Then when the response arrives, I'll even procrastinate about opening it and READING it! Yay, my nerves are so bad!

Before all this started I had planned on starting to run again soon. My area is great for that. Near my place is a long, wide sidewalk which leads to another big stretch of sidewalk near a forested area which is usually pretty empty. When I get upset over something (which is all the time) I usually go for long night walks there, even during winter. It actually doesn't really calm me down that much if I'm super upset, but it's better than sitting and stewing. Of course, I'm not doing that now. Probably it'd be fine but who knows.

I'm randomly craving chanterelles. You can make a really yummy sauce with them. I'm not a huge mushroom person but I love chanterelles. That's something to look forward to in the summer.

Isolation Day 18

I really needed to do chores today and I didn't. I'm the kind of person that keeps their living space VERY neat and tidy because I find it difficult to be productive at home if I'm surrounded by a mess or things aren't in their place. It just gnaws at me in the back of my head until I do something about it because I can't focus when things aren't "right." Then I usually go on a cleaning and organising spree. Being at home 24-7 though, cleaning often has somehow become more difficult. You would think that in between the few other things I have to do here, I have plenty of time to clean, right? And you would be right. Yet the past few days I just don't feel like it.

I have been lying on the couch listening to Merzbow. Specifically his album Merzbuddha. It's not as harsh as people usually expect from him, and sounds great on headphones. I am a long time fan and I also attribute my becoming vegetarian to him (I have not yet become fully vegan, I'm a work in progress). Below, one of my favourite shirts, and what I'm wearing today:

Don't Kill Dolphins! This isn't my only Merzbow shirt. Pic is old, my hair is longer now

Isolation Day 13

Oh yeah, I have a neighbour who is making me lose my shit...and here's why. They're listening to music today and yesterday obnoxiously loud. OMG, they turned on that fucking La Bamba song at one point. I just always irrationally hated that song. Depending on who you ask, my hatred could be seen as totally rational. (Another song I always found weirdly unsettling is Freefalling. Sorry.)

At least it's not constant, but from time to time. This is a modern building and normally I don't ever have an issue with hearing my neighbours, not like when I lived in the Soviet-era places and could hear every footstep, every intimate moment of anyone above, below or next to me. Really, usually I never hear anything. I get it though. They are bored.

I guess I'm fortunate in that staying inside for prolonged periods of time has never bothered me. I do miss getting lunch at that Japanese restaurant near the train station. What I don't miss? I don't miss the smelly rude people of public transport.

Isolation and random thoughts

I figured now is as good a time as any to start recording my thoughts again. I just started using my old tumblr again, however I prefer blogger for long rambling posts and getting my thoughts out. Plus, here, you're not going to get reblogged and bitched at. This is basically a dead platform and a great place to just get it all out. I blocked so many people on tumblr. also changed my username because of past negativity. I've relegated it to being simply a collection of images I like. For now, I doubt I'll try to interact/participate on there with any fandoms. My real friends stopped using it years ago also. I guess I'm too sensitive.

I made a big batch of Japanese style curry last night with zucchini, carrot, potatoes and sweet potatoes, so that's lunch+dinner for at least 5 days. I remember the first time I ever attempted it ages ago, I screwed up the roux, but it's actually the easiest thing and something I make all the time already. Butter, flour, stir until toasty brown. Toss in the spices and flavours you like. 10/10. I could have paired it with rice, but I already have two types of potatoes, so what do I need even more extra carbs for? Especially when I'm not walking 3-4 km a day like I usually do. However, I'm trying to make up for that with pilates, which I used to do pretty often anyway.

Most people in my building are also staying at home and I hardly ever hear a door open in the hallway. The parking lot is full. In between chores and whatnot, I have also been using my free time to read some books, play the Sims 4 (they had a conveniently timed sale on the origin store so I got a few packs I wanted before) and write. I also wanna revisit some classic Fire Emblem: specifically 7 and 8. Those are my favourites and would provide a much needed dose of nostalgia. I need to download an emulator though.

If anything all this has reaffirmed my desire to live in the countryside and try to carve out a sustainable life for myself. I wasn't born a city dweller. I spent my childhood between a small town and later full blown rural living without a neighbour in sight. Eventually I’ll return to that.

Oh well, I can't do anything about that right now, so I'm just gonna to watch a movie.

Rammstein at Tallinn Lauluväljak, June 11 2017

(Note: this is a backdated post from my other blog which no longer exists, that I decided to preserve by reposting here - after all this is my place to talk into the void about my dumb life!)

June 11, 2017. I had such an amazing experience. This concert was something I dreamed of since 10 years ago, a real show of artistry, great musicianship and theatre. Although I kinda feel like in some regards I’ve outgrown Rammstein, it really was a dream come true to see them in real life, especially for my inner adolescent, lol. They were my first foray into music that wasn’t top 40 starting in middle school and actually what led me down the rabbit hole into discovering industrial music, which in turn led me to finding all kinds of experimental and avant garde stuff and other things I don’t think I would have found. I could say developing my taste all started with them, lol!

Had I not left for a bathroom break, I would have kept a spot right at the very front on the fence (I did pay extra to be in this zone of the audience and I came early to secure my spot), but I still was super close and yes I felt the heat.

I went home feeling like I was walking on a cloud. I’ve never experienced that from watching a performance before. I’m also happy to say the people around me were nice and I never once got stomped, shoved or pushed - since this was the first show of this sort that I’ve ever attended, I was really scared. I’m not a concert person to begin with, especially because I have tinnitus since 2012 because of a loud event I attended then. I wore earplugs - it didn’t dull the experience at all, but rather made things a bearable volume and kept my hearing safe. Always wear ear plugs at a concert! 

Photos of my amazing experience :-) Of course, I tried not to spend too much time snapping pictures, but when faced with such a spectacle, who doesn’t want a few to remember it by.

You don’t know for how long I’ve admired Flake’s disco ball suit and wanted one of my own. lol

The end of a great show

This is the kind of unique experience I’ll remember forever :-) Thank you for a nice temporary escape from reality, guys. Life is short. These are the fun moments that make you forget how futile everything is.

Bonus: I spotted myself on the news! LOL. I cropped myself out of the crowd pic I found. Yea…I don’t look great and I need a haircut and I think my thyroid needs checked but I kinda like this pic of me nonetheless ;P

Khachapuri and dread

 Life is nothing but an endless cycle of loss and sadness. Filling my time with silly little things in between the suffering, until this incarnation ends. Yes, I made khachapuri from scratch; my first time and I think it didn’t come out too shabby. Kneaded that dough like my survival depended on it.

Visions blur

We're in the midst of a typically cold blustery autumn, but you know what, it can still be quite beautiful. The grey skies and falling leaves... makes me feel like curling up in a ball.

I'm coming to terms with the fact certain things will never change. And that it is not my fault, and that even if I'd have done all these things differently, the outcome would have still been like this. But, all the same, things could be worse.

Russian Summer Trip Pt 2

Part 2 of my trip in Russia this summer.

So I left off at the Moscow-Irkutsk flight. Landed at about 5 am in Irkutsk, I was tired as hell.
I will post a bunch of photos now.

This was a little village full of dachas by Baikal. It was really foggy that day. I took the boat from Irkutsk there.

The next photos are from Arshan, on the trail to the Sayan Mountains. And yes, I did make a terrible joke about going Super Saiyan there. There are many Buddhist prayer ribbons tied to trees.

The amazing sunset I got to view from the window of the hotel we stayed at.

Arshan was beautiful and interesting. One thing that intrigued me is there are also tons of dreamcatchers decorating the town, including in our hotel. And one tourist shop had a rather cheesy velvet painting of an obviously Native American man (I think he was even wearing a war bonnet) with a wolf and an eagle. It got me wondering if people there feel some sort of kinship with Native Americans. 

Also, the bus ride to and from there is SO bumpy. I nearly threw up. Like I said before, I get car sick in no time and bumpy roads make it that much worse. It was terrible. Crazy swerving mountainous roads. And then when we started to re-enter the city, there was a moment where the bus nearly collided head on with another vehicle...

Now some pics in Irkutsk. 

Kazan Church in Irkutsk

Pictures at the dacha.

 In all, it was an awesome and unique time. Visiting Russia is unforgettable.

Russian Summer Trip 2016 Pt 1

So, I've finally decided to sit and write down my experience in Russia in July. It was a really interesting journey. 

I first took an early bus to from Tallinn to St. Petersburg...That was an ok experience, I guess. I really don't like long car/bus rides because I'm prone to car sickness/nausea if I can't get out for fresh air and walk around often. I think I've been like that since I was about 5 or 6. Anyway, there was a ridiculous amount of passport checks, I don't even remember now. 3 or 4? I think most of those checks were from officials who would board the bus and walk through to look at everyone's pass. Also, the actual border guards seemed to have a bit of a surly attitude. I think in every country I've been to, border guards I encounter seem unhappy. 

I finally arrived in the early afternoon. Dumped all my stuff off at the hotel booked for 1 night, and looked around the city a bit. Looking back, it's hilarious that I thought people in St. Petersburg were kinda bad at driving, because in Irkutsk, I discovered people were about 1000x worse on the road - I wouldn't ever want to drive there in my life, I had more than 1 scary experience I'll mention later. Nevertheless, that was one of my first impressions. I also noticed how the girls there dress impeccably. Ok, I saw some questionable and tacky style choices too, but there was also an incredible amount of well dressed, elegant women in St Petersburg. I felt like a wallflower for sure at times (actually...don't I feel like that all the time?). I suppose that sounds like a superficial observation, but it was something that really stuck out to me. Just amazing style and beautiful ladies, lol. 

Some pics:

Church of the Saviour on Spilled Blood

Triumphal Arch near the Winter Palace

Palace Gates

I also had time to go look at the Museum of Soviet Arcade Games with a friend!

Hmm, what else did I get up to in St. Petersburg...well, I went in a grocery store to buy food, as you do, and I tried a Russian brand of sirok I forgot the name of. And I came to the realization Russian sirok is absolutely the best and so creamy. 

So then I rested, blah blah blah. You also have to register your location at a hotel in Russia, it's kinda complicated. I had help with that.

Next day it was time to go to the airport in St. Petersburg. While waiting for the flight to Moscow, I ate at this cute restaurant called Kamchatka with a retro Soviet decor gimmick going on. Think vintage Cheburashka toys, old Nevalyashka dolls, etc. Kitschy but cool. Actually, I don't even remember now if that restaurant was in St. Petersburg or Moscow airport? But it was cool. i only have 1 pic from it. 

The flight from St Petersburg to Moscow was uneventful, except there was a tour group or something of like 20 older folks in their late 50s - mid 60s who were very loud! They didn't speak Russian very well either (not that I can talk…I also suck at speaking Russian) and they kept begging this flight attendant to take their trash when she didn't even have a trash bag to carry all of it. She gave them a stern look and said in English, "Yes, I heard you." LOL! After that, transferred from Moscow to Irkutsk in economy class on Aeroflot. It was a pretty long flight and I started to feel claustrophobic and panicky and like I'm gonna DIE. Don't know why but claustrophobia has been a recent problem for me on planes. I used to be able to tolerate flying because of the window views! Although flying always hurts my ears…Now I just feel trapped and start to sweat and feel stressed after a while!

CAKE. This whole meal was actually really good. 

I'll wrap this post up at that and continue later with what it was like when I landed in Irkutsk and everything I did and saw!